As parents, it is only natural to worry about the impact your choices have on your children. When those choices create significant changes in their everyday life and alter the look of their family forever, the stress and worry can seem unbearable. The impact of divorce on children can range from a minor disruption while they adjust to a new routine to major problems with behavior and acting out.

Some children grieve for a short period and seem to bounce back quickly. Others mourn for a longer period and may hold out hope you and the other parent will reconcile. It is, however, important to remember that you do have some control over how your divorce affects your children, and there are options that can help them cope.

Does age play a role in how children react to a separation or news of a divorce?

While divorce affects all children differently, psychologists make general predictions about what you may expect based on age. It seems age does play a major role in how a child grieves and adapts during and after their parent’s divorce.

Author and psychologist Carl E Pickhardt has observed younger children becoming more dependent on their parents during the tumultuous months after a split, while tweens, preteens, and teens grow more independent. In an article he wrote for Psychology Today, he told parents to expect regressive behavior in children and an aggressive response from those in middle and high school.

According to the Clinical Psychology Associates of North Central Florida, common responses include:

Preschool

Preschoolers often need a lot of reassurance during the adjustment period after their parents separate. They may worry both parents will leave them, or wonder who will take care of them. Helping them understand their schedule is key. Regression in potty training, socializing, and even speech is common. They may also develop separation anxiety.

Elementary Age

Children between the ages of five and nine may be more outwardly emotional than their younger or older siblings. This age group is most likely to cry and show typical signs of grieving the way life was with both parents in the home. Children in elementary school often fantasize about or actively plot to get their parents back together.

Tweens and Pre-teens

As children get older, more of them begin incorporating anger as a major part of the grieving process during divorce. The changes often bring high levels of stress, which may cause academic and social problems. They are also more likely to take sides than younger children. As children approach middle school and junior high, they may have more questions about your separation, as well.

Teens

Teens are more likely to act out than younger children, often rebelling and engaging in risky behaviors. Some teens feel as if their parents “misbehaved,” so they should be able to as well.

Because they are old enough to understand many of the societal norms of adult relationships, they often have many uncomfortable questions for parents. Always be upfront with your teens, but tell them only what they need to know. It is a good idea to present a united front to deal with any behavioral issues.

Would my children be better off if we stayed married?

Over the last two decades, researchers have taken a close look at the outcomes of children from high-conflict relationships. In general, the consensus seems to be that children from any family with a high level of conflict do not fare as well as those from homes where the parents fight very little. This is true no matter if the parents stayed together or divorced, according to findings from Parental Conflict and Marital Disruption: Do Children Benefit When High-Conflict Marriages Are Dissolved?, published in the Journal of Marriage and the Family.

For this reason, some psychologists now consider the change in exposure to conflict as more important in how a child adjusts to life after a divorce than any other factor. Other factors include:

• The quality and depth of their relationship with their parents before the divorce
• The quality and depth of their relationship with each parent after the separation
• The parents’ ability to prioritize their children during the divorce process
• The parents’ ability to cooperate and manage disagreements after the divorce

How can I help my children through the divorce?

One of the keys to helping your children through your divorce is to remind them that you and your spouse are getting divorced — they are not. You are still a family and you still love them, even if your family does not look the same. Changing your point of view on this can help you understand what your child needs from you.

It is also important that you learn to get along with the child’s other parent. While your former spouse is probably the last person on earth you want to be nice to right now, it is paramount that you learn how to settle disagreements between you. Minimizing the conflict your child witnesses is key in minimizing the impact the divorce has on their life. Never talk badly about the other parent or put your child in the middle.

Lastly, do not overlook the importance of seeking emotional support for both you and your child. Talking to a therapist can help children learn coping mechanisms to deal with grief or stress, and understand the changes taking place.

FAQ – Married Parents vs. Divorced Parents: The Impact of Divorce on Children

1. What’s the best way to explain parental separation to young children?

When discussing parental separation with young children, use simple language they can understand. Assure them that they are not to blame, and emphasize that both biological parents love them deeply. Keeping their home life as stable as possible during the divorce process can help reduce confusion.

2. How do I support my child’s mental health during a divorce?

Children’s mental health can be significantly impacted by family conflict or drastic changes in family dynamics. Offer consistent emotional support, maintain routines, and spend quality time together to strengthen their sense of security. Seeking help from an adolescent psychiatrist when needed can also prevent potential mental health problems.

3. What are the risk factors that might affect how children adjust to divorce?

Several risk factors can influence how children cope with their parents’ divorce, including their age, temperament, and the level of conflict between divorcing parents. Children in divorced families where one parent creates a high-conflict atmosphere may face greater challenges than those with cooperative co-parenting arrangements.

4. How can divorced parents handle discipline for children living between two homes?

For children living in two homes, divorced parents should prioritize consistency in rules and expectations to avoid confusion. Effective co-parenting ensures that boundaries are upheld and children feel secure across different family structures, even with a custodial and noncustodial parent.

5. Can divorce affect a child’s academic performance?

Yes, the effects of divorce on children can extend to their school work. Many children experience disruptions during the divorce process due to stress or changes in their home environment. Supporting their emotional well-being and staying involved in school activities can help them stay on track academically.

6. How does family structure impact long-term outcomes for children?

Children raised in intact families with two biological parents generally experience fewer negative outcomes compared to those from divorced families. However, children with supportive divorced parents who manage parental conflict effectively may develop resilience and strong emotional health over time.

7. What do I do if my child struggles with self-esteem after our divorce?

Divorce can affect a child’s self-esteem, particularly if they feel at fault for the separation. Regularly remind them of their inherent worth and provide encouragement in areas like school work, hobbies, and friendships. Rebuilding their confidence often requires consistent emotional support.

8. Are older children more affected by parental divorce than younger ones?

Older children may react differently to divorce, often displaying rebellion or questioning family dynamics. Younger children might show regression, while older children may struggle more with social or emotional challenges. Tailoring your approach based on their age and maturity ensures effective support.

9. How can single mothers prioritize their children during a divorce?

Single mothers often juggle significant responsibilities, but prioritizing their children’s well-being is key. Spending quality time, maintaining routines, and providing emotional support create a nurturing environment. Seeking additional help from family or community resources can also reduce stress on the parent and child.

10. Should I worry about early sexual activity or substance abuse in my adolescent child post-divorce?

Research has shown that young people in divorced families may be at a higher risk for behaviors like early sexual activity or substance abuse. Fostering open communication and being involved in their daily lives can help mitigate these risks and keep their well-being at the forefront.

11. How do I help my child adjust to a new house or school after the divorce?

Moving to a new house or school can add stress to children’s lives. Preparing them in advance, maintaining familiar routines, and supporting their connections with other children can ease their transition. Reassurance from both parents helps create a smoother adjustment process.

12. Is child support always needed to maintain a child’s well-being?

Child support plays a crucial role in ensuring children’s well-being, especially in lower-income households. It helps provide stability in home life, covering essentials like education, healthcare, and daily needs. Compliance and effective communication between parents ensure that children’s best interests remain the priority.

13. How does the divorce process differ between first marriages and remarriages?

The divorce process after first marriages often involves fewer layers of complexity compared to remarriages, which may include blended family dynamics. Many children in remarried families face unique challenges but thrive with supportive co-parenting from all involved.

14. Can family conflict during divorce lead to health problems for my child?

High levels of family conflict can lead to mental health problems or even physical health concerns in children. Reducing exposure to arguments and providing stability can buffer children from these potential effects. Peaceful co-parenting plays a vital role in their overall health and well-being.

15. How does spending quality time with both parents affect children involved in joint physical custody?

Spending quality time with both the custodial and noncustodial parent fosters a sense of security and connectedness for children in joint physical custody. Ensuring meaningful interactions between parents and children strengthens relationships and eases transitions after the separation.

16. What is the role of emotional support in a child’s psychological adjustment post-divorce?

Children rely heavily on emotional support from their biological parents during a divorce. Validating their feelings, listening to their concerns, and providing reassurance of love and stability help them adjust to changes and avoid long-term emotional difficulties.

17. How can a divorce impact adult children differently than younger children?

Adult children may understand the complex reasons for a parental divorce better than younger ones, but it can still affect their self-esteem, views on marriage, or relationships. Open communication, reassurance, and even family counseling can help adult children process the changes within the family structure.

Call Crouse Erickson for divorce help.

The legal team at Crouse Erickson understands the emotional and financial impact a divorce can have on every member of the family. Call us today at 509-624-1380 to learn how we can help you through this tough time.